Friday, September 17, 2010

So this is what happened before we left

Here are some important things that happened before Tricia and I left Seattle to pursue adventure and limitless treasure in Pittsburgh:

[SPOILER ALERT: This is a long post. If you are enjoying this on Google Reader at work in a fast-paced office environment you should click "keep unread" until you get home and can snuggle up with a blanket and a steaming mug of hot cocoa in front of a warm fire, maybe on a bearskin rug. Also: lots of wine.]

I tried to sell my condo.
I remodeled my kitchen and painted a bunch of walls all sorts of different colors and put an old window that I found in an alley into a wall and traded some routine car maintenance for extra laminate flooring for one of the bedrooms and STILL I could not sell it. Amazing! I also could not refinance for any sort of significant savings. So I still have a condo in Seattle, which sounds cool when I say it out loud to people, but it does not sound cool when I read my bank statements out loud to myself while lying in a fetal position in a puddle of my own tears.

HOWEVER, I did manage to rent it out to two college girls to the endless amusement of my neighbors. When I asked my neighbors for suggestions on what I should put in my House Rules addendum to the lease, one of them suggested, "NO TOGA PARTIES". Middle aged single women neighbors are the best kind of neighbors.

I have had many Biggest Regrets Of My Whole Entire Life in my long and extremely fascinating life, including not eating more of that free stuffing mix that Heenk scored in college before it went bad, trading Johan Santana for Richie Sexson in our fantasy baseball keeper league in 2004, and accidentally assuming that this one hipster dude in Bimbo's Bitchin Burrito Kitchen worked there and asking him for another beer. Sorry hipster dude who really looks like he should work at Bimbo's Bitchin Burrito Kitchen! But now my CURRENT Biggest Regret Of My Whole Entire Life (which I will track on this blog for my great-grandchildren to cherish) is not hiding a hilarious treasure in my condo and sending cryptic clues for the benefit of my unsuspecting college girl tenants. REGRET TIMES INFINITY.

I got rid of a lot of my stuff.
Many people will tell you that getting rid of as many of your earthly possessions as possible is an enormously freeing and satisfying experience. But it also means that you have to actually go through the work of getting rid of all that stuff! However, this process did give me the fantastic opportunity to observe the intimate workings of DOZENS of hilarious and enriching craigslist interactions. I think I will write a whole post about this one day (in the FUTURE)(probably never), but the takeaway message is this: Furniture buyers are awesome, musical instrument buyers are a level of flaky previously thought impossible, and people who respond to free stuff ads are just crazy.

One thing that sucks about getting rid of stuff, such as an awesome dining room table and chairs, for example, is that now I need a stupid dining room table and chairs again.

I quit my job.
So long, suckers! Enjoy your typing on a keyboard in exchange for money for food, losers!

I said goodbye to my friends.
I thought quitting my job and dealing with my mortgage and selling all of my crap was going to be the hardest part about moving, but once I got the ball rolling it ended up being surprisingly easy. It was almost like Seattle WANTED me gone! What up, Seattle? But anyway, it turns out that the very hardest part of all was having to leave all of my awesome friends. SADFACE. And the worst part is, this hardest part is still going on! DOUBLE SADFACE TORNADO ALL THE WAY.

However, there was one awesome silver lining to walking away slowly from my friends, pausing to look back, and then sadly trudging on. This was getting to totally guilt-trip everyone into doing stuff with me! I would say that my last month in Seattle was one of my favoritest months in the history of time. Softball! Parties! Trips! Barbeques! It was basically the best of times.

Okay, time to crank out some more bloglony.

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